[Intro] It was really quite good, I must admit
But I still found something wrong with it
It's my duty to report on the internet
That it just wasn't perfect and I'm quite upset
[Bridge] I have high standards, don't you see?
So you don't get four or even three

[Chorus] It's two-two-two-two
Stars for yoouuuu
It's two-two-two-two
Stars for yoouuuu

[Verse 1] I went down to Shoreditch for some vegan grub
Went for some street food rather than the pub
The food was lush but the service kinda slow
And I didn't like the way the server said hello
[Bridge]

[Chorus]

[Verse 2] I went to down to Peckham to get a haircut
I found a lovely shop run by a cunt*
They did a good job and I looked pretty slick
But the barber kept sneezing; I think he was sick
[Bridge]

[Rant] So, you said you loved your haircut
And had a laugh with all my staff
But five minutes after you left
I got a notification from Google Reviews
Someone gave my shop two stars
And that someone was you
Why didn’t you just say it to my face?
This is my livelihood we’re talking about
FYI, he has hay fever
So, get off the internet and kiss my ass
You cowardly dick splash

[Bridge & Chorus x 2]

*We’ve reclaimed the word ‘cunt’. Please see Muscio, I. (1998). Cunt: a declaration of independence. New York, NY: Seal Press.